one Liners

ONE LINERS FROM THE FAMOUS AND NOT SO:
Victorino P. Mapa


I used to have a job in the Kotex factory. I thought I was making mattresses for mice.
Ray Scott
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Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake it you got it made.
George Burns
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You have a cough? Go home, eat a box of Ex-lax and tomorrow you’lll be afraid to cough.
Pearl Williams
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People who say money can’t buy happiness just don’t know where to shop.
Tom Shivers
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My wife calls our waterbed the Dead Sea.
Milton Berle
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There are three ages of man: youth, middle age and “Gee you look great!”
Red Skelton
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I once wanted to be an atheist, but I gave up – they have no holidays.
Henny Youngman
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I don’t have anything against facelifts, but I think it’s time to stop when you look permanently frightened.
Susan Forfleet
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Have you noticed? Anyone driving faster than you is an idiot, and anyone driving slower than you is a moron.
George Carlin
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Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams
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You can’t take it with you. You never see a U-Haul following a hearse.
Ellen Glasgow
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Conscience is the inner voice that warns us that someone may be looking.
H. L. Mencken
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My husband says I treat him like a God; every meal is a burnt offering.
Rhonda Hansom
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There are two ways to handle a woman, and nobody knows either of them.
Ken Hubbard
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I went to a meeting for premature ejaculations. I left early.
Red Buttons
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Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
Groucho Marx
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It’s not that I’m afraid to die. I Just don’t want to
Woody Allen
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I know a guy who saved all his life to buy a cemetery plot. Then he took a cruise and was lost at sea.
Norm Crosby
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Eternity is a terrible thought. I mean, when’s it going to end?
Tom Stoppard
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Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Erma Bombeck
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A woman drove me to drink. I never even had the courtesy to thank her.
W. C. Fields.
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I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
Mark Twain
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I bring out the worst in my enemies. That’s how I get them to defeat themselves.
Roy Cohn
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If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.
Newt Heilscher
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You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety seven today and we don’t know where the hell she is.
Ellen de Generes
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A friend of mine willed her body to science, but science is contesting the will.
Joey Adams
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If blind people wear sunglasses why don’t deaf people wear earmuffs?
Steve Mcfarlin
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Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts !
Andy Andrews
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I don’t make jokes; I just watch the government and report the facts.
Will Rogers
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I’m desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Dave Edison
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The hold-up guy walks into a Chinese reastaurant and says, “Give me all your money!”
The man behind the counter says, “To take out?”
Henny Youngman
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I like two kinds of men: DOMESTIC AND FOREIGN.
Mae West
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I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time.
Charles M. Schulz
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Love is what happens to a man and woman who don’t know each other.
W. Somerset Maugham
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Why is it when we talk to God we’re said to be praying, but when God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic?
Lily Tomlin
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Life is a sexually transmitted disease.
Guy Bellamy
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If I look confused it’s because I’m thinking.
Samuel Goldwyn